Lord, I'm Ready Now

I just let go
And I feel exposed
But its so beautiful
Cuz this is who I am
I've been such a mess
But now I can't care less
I could bleed to death

Oh Lord I'm ready now
All the walls are down
Time is running out
And I wanna make this count
I ran away from you
And did what I wanted to
But I don't wanna let you down
Oh Lord I'm ready now
Lord I'm ready now

You called my name
I turned away
But now I
Am listening
I was so caught up
In who I'm not
Can you please forgive me?

I've nothing left to hide
No reason's left to lie
Give me another chance

Lord, I'm Ready Now, by Plumb

Time to Heal

Chapter Nine of Beth Moore's book talks about healing. She says "It is God's will for you to have your dignity and security restored. You don't need to wrestle with this one. You don't need to read six more books. You don't need to ponder the subject matter until your next big disaster." (P. 162-163)

So, I'm doing my best to trust this and to let myself heal and move on from all that I've been going through these past few months. I know it's not an overnight process but I can already see things changing for me and I know I can trust those around me to help keep my insecurities in check.

This chapter also uses a very pointed prayer that you are supposed to read and pray to God yourself and apply it to your life. It's beautifully written. I'm going to write my own version, in my own words, tonight because I feel like that's the best way for me to pray it and remember exactly what I've asked God to do in my life.

It's been very hard for me to write this down, let alone to share it now with my readers. But I've shared this journey so far and I don't want to stop now. Please know that I write this sincerely for myself and am sharing only for the purpose of maybe helping just one other person who might be going through the same thing as me.

Heavenly Father, 

I come to you tonight a broken and insecure woman. In some parts of my life I'm very secure and set in my ways and other parts are a lot harder to hold my control over. You know what these insecurities have cost me, and what they have almost cost me. I'm tired of hurting and sulking in my own depressed feelings and I'm ready to move on and let go. I'm ready to learn what it means to be secure in You. You know the plans for my life and what motivates me, You also know what shuts me down. You know that I am driven by fear and how tired I am for surrendering to it. I'm so afraid that no one will love me for who I am and that my friends will move on and find someone else in their lives that means more to them. In the end I'm worried that my relationships and friendships won't matter to people in the grand scheme of life and that all this kindness I have in me just doesn't matter. I know I can't hide my true nature from you, Lord. Help me to come before you with transparency and the confidence to feel safe under Your cover of love. Please forgive me for my jealousy, pity for myself, lying to those close to me and hating myself at times. Please also forgive me for allowing things of this human life to become more important to me that my relationship with You. Lord, please help me learn how to cling to you when things change and help me understand the difference in a change of circumstance from a change in my security status. Thank you for placing people in my life to help remind me of what's really supposed to be important. I'm seeing the signs and I'm truly thankful for them. In particular I thank you for: Wesley, My boys, Kim C., Marlena, Laura, Kim H., My Parents, My in-laws. All of these people have some how in the last few months reminded me what's important and what I need to be focused on rather than the things of this world. Please help me become the kind of secure and sure of herself woman I'd want my boys to find and marry one day. Please help me get my dignity back. 

In Jesus name, Amen.

A Beautiful Prize Called Dignity

Doing this study on insecurity has helped me start to view myself in a new light - I'm worthy of feeling secure. I've not always felt that way.

In chapter eight we learn all about "triggers" of insecurity. These have been happening to me ALOT lately. Some triggers make one person rush straight into insecurity, and some make not affect others at all. Here are some examples that Beth Moore mentions:

• Your Mom gets that disapproving look on her face over how you parent your kids.
• You get a 3 line email response that took you a solid hour to write. 
• You met someone you really admire, and said something you consider to be stupid. 
• Your best friend of five years introduces you to a new friend from work - they laugh about people you don't know and talk over dinner like you aren't there.
• You have a new haircut, and hate it. 
• Your husband's on a business trip, and you can't reach him.
• You pour out your heart to someone and they just don't 'get it'.  

Those are only SOME of what might trigger insecurities in a person. There are many more for many people that I couldn't even begin to name. The thing with triggers though is that sometimes we take the bait, and sometimes we don't. The good thing is once we learn what triggers us, then we can start to deal with it head on and get back some dignity.

Healing something as innate as chronic insecurity takes a little time as God helps us to see where we're broken and why. We can start recognizing triggers and responding differently to them today, however. I did say today! The cycle begins to break when even though we may still feel insecure, we make a very deliberate choice not to act on that feeling. P. 148-149

I've begun to recognize mine, and the best way I've been able to deal with them is to talk to the person and be honest about how I feel and why I feel that way. My friends are starting to notice my "patterns" when I start to feel insecure!

Mine are:

1. I retreat. I withdraw myself from the group/person and get quiet. 
2. When texting/typing, I refuse to use puncuation. 
3. I get defensive. 
4. I cry. 
5. I expect people to read my mind, and figure out what's wrong so that I don't have to tell them.

 "By the time a pattern is well established, you not only feel insecure and foolish, you also feel like a failure." P. 150

So, after learning all of this about myself, I have decided that I no longer need to live life like this... in my own little insecure hole. I don't want to feel foolish anymore. I want to be the friend I know I can be and love others the way that I should no matter how they treat me.

I know Christ can set me free from absolutely anything and I'm trusting Him to do so here as well. I don't want to lost my dignity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Proverbs 31:25 NIV

I've finally reached a place where I feel that I can be completely transparent about my insecurities, hence this blog. This verse gives me the scriptural clothing to expose my true self, my most personal thoughts. Like Beth Moore says in the book, I'm trying to train myself to say "It's okay. I'm completely clothed" when I feel vulnerable and broken in my insecurities.

"We are not nearly as likely to react with the same level of insecurity when we remember how well covered we are by God." P. 155

Beth Moore also says that "to posses dignity is to be worthy of respect..worthy of high esteem." I am worthy of respect. I have a right to dignity because God gave it to me. That is something I now claim and remind myself on a daily basis.

Something Beautiful

This past Sunday, the band at church performed this song. It touched me on a morning when I really needed to hear it. I've been letting my relationship with God be put on a back burner lately and this song on that day reminded me that I need to make Him a priority every day, not just when I need Him the most. His love is truly something beautiful.

Insecurity.

Quotes from Chapter Seven of the book, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore.

"I want us to see the price we're paying when we don't deal with our insecurities. Unchecked and unhealed, it makes an idiot out of us over and over."

"We gnaw on a relationship like a dog on a bone. We worry a detail half to death out of insecurity, get no response, and then over-communicate yet again to say 'Forget I communicated all of that'. And they rarely do." 

This is common in women friendships, and I know that it's always the place that I go to when I send a message/text/email to someone that I'm friends with. When I don't get a response soon after, I start to freak out and worry about if they are mad at me, or something of that nature.

"Jealousy of our friends and the fear that they'll like each other better than they like us is always a product of insecurity, and too often it's the sharp blade to a decent relationship."

 This is exactly how I felt once I realized that a relationship was forming between my two friends Laura and Marlena. I thought for sure I'd lose them both or that they would realize that I was no longer worth being friends with. Same when we added our new friend Kimberly to the group. I figured they would like her SO MUCH more than me and that I'd be out. I'm just glad it didn't take long for me to realize I was being ridiculous!

"Insecurity makes us settle. Insecurity makes us distracted. Insecurity robs our confidence in our rich inheritance from God. Insecurity makes us put our gifts on a shelf to gather demonic dust. Insecurity disturbs our sleep. Insecurity derails our life."

This is all so true and I'm so thankful that this study has helped me realize what my personal insecurities are within my friendships and it's helping give me the tools to deal with  them too! Thank you Beth Moore! (:

I am Not Alone.

If you ever think that the people in the Bible had it easy - think again. Some of these folks make even my life look easy.

Let's take the story of Sarai and Hagar in the Old Testament. Sarai and Abram tried for years to have a child of their own. When she found being infertile hard to face; she had the brilliant idea to have her maiden, Hagar, sleep with him as a surrogate. When the plan worked and Hagar became pregnant, things fell apart. Hagar hated Sarai, and Sarai abused (physically) Hagar, who then fled to the desert.

"We naturally despise people whose company we are forced to share if we feel largely threatened by them."  P. 48

 I've had many occasions in my life where I've felt insecure or jealous. I've also been able to trace those feelings back to something or someone that I've perceived as a threat. Personally, when I married Wesley I was not sexually active, and never had been. So for me - every girl that came before me was a threat. One in particular, Marlena (who is now one of my best friends). She had dated Wesley a long time ago (before his first marriage) and is still in his life, as a friend. So to me, at the beginning, she was sort of a major threat. I was jealous that she knew him back then and I felt insecure about their previous relationship in regards to my relationship with him at the time. I've since dealt with these issues and with time they have gone away. I am no longer jealous of her and we've actually become really fantastic best friends because I let it go and decided to give her a chance. One that without the grace of God I wouldn't have been able to give. 

"Jealousy is always the result of a perceived threat. And a threat always 

places a 911 call to insecurity." P. 48

The other person that I could kind of relate to was Saul. Ever heard of imposter syndrome? It's when everyone else may think you are competent and qualified, you know different. We assume that if other people knew us the way that we know ourselves, then they too would see that we just aren't good enough. Saul was tall, dark and handsome and chosen by God to be a king. But from his first public act (hiding among the baggage) to some of his worst moments (trying to kill David) he lived and breathed insecurity. 

Insecurity is driven by the fear of loss - of status, of people, of love. Saul feared losing his admiration and power and he had quickly decided that David would be the one to take them, so he focused it all on him. I personally fear losing my friends more than anything. I'm always afraid that I'll say the wrong thing or we will fight and they will walk away thinking that I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of losing my husband for the same reasons. But I know that I serve a higher power - my God is Sovereign and he can deliver me from these emotions. 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.   (1 Cor. 10:13)

Insecurity tempts us to wallow in our self-pity and our unhealthy emotions. It gives us that feeling that there is no way out and it takes us deeper into a pit of jealousy and self-loathing. God's word says there is a way out. 

God promises not to give us anything we can't personally handle, but when it's hard and when things are out of our control, He will give us what we need to get through it and survive. 

"Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God's strength is made weak." P. 57

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I am an Insecure Woman.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you.  

(1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT)

Jeremiah 17:7-8 gives us a definition of a secure person - grounded in Christ.  This is not yet who I am, but who I strive to be. I want to have that full and total trust in Him to secure me, I don't want to put my hope in an earthly future, but in Him and what His plans are for my life.

When I think of an insecure woman, I consider someone who's not one hundred percent happy with who they are as a person, spouse, mother or friend. She's probably holding on to a lot of thoughts that would hinder her relationships. She's uncertain about her feelings and desires being considered right or wrong in the eyes of others. Beth Moore says in the book that "An insecure woman is a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness." I completely agree. That's me.

My insecurities keep me from reaching out to people when I need help. I tend to feel like everyone else's problems are so much more important and complicated than my own, so I feel no need to burden them more. I prefer to 'suffer in silence'. I tend to set some very unrealistic expectations on other people. I expect people to 'read my mind' instead of just swallowing my pride and opening up about how I feel. It's something that I still do today and I'm working on it because I know that doing so has ruined relationships and friendships in the past.

In the book, Beth Moore talks about our 'false positives'. It's the ONE thing we think we can change to make everything else better. For me, it's my body. I've always felt that if I had a better body/weight that everything else would just fall into place. That's not necessarily the case. I have a wonderful husband who tells me more than once on a daily basis that I'm beautiful and sexy. Do I believe him? Yes, most of the time. Then when I don't, it's only because of memories from the past. From back in high school and before, of people telling me I wasn't pretty enough or popular enough. I've always allowed other people's opinions about me carry a lot of weight on what I do or how I look. It's time to change that and this journey is already teaching me so much about myself and how to do just that.

In my next post I'll talk about being in good company, sharing stories from the bible of insecure women AND men, as well as some more of my personal journey.

Here is some more scripture to ponder over;

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can 

do the good things he planned for us long ago.

(Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  

(2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT)

So Long Insecurity. You've Been a Bad Friend.

Insecurity is literally a lack of confidence in yourself. I've never really had very good self-esteem. Those insecurities started in high school for me. I've always considered myself not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. So when I landed a man that loves me despite how I feel about myself and tells me every day how beautiful I am, even when I can't feel it myself, I was completely taken by surprise. I thank God for every single day that I get to spend loving him. He is my rock and the ONLY person who has ever been able to do this for me. I trust him with my heart. 

I prefer to suffer in complete silence rather than talk about my problems with anyone. My husband is about the only person in this world who can literally look at me and tell what's wrong with me and how I'm feeling. He is the only person that knows how to draw it out of me and to make me talk about it. He's the only person I trust myself to be truly one hundred percent honest with and not feel like I'm being judged in some way.

I do have some really good friends on my side - but even they can't stop me from feeling like I don't belong sometimes, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I can't help but have those thoughts of 'I'm not good enough' or 'They don't want to spend time with me because...' pop into my head. It's hard to look at anyone in my life and tell them honestly what I'm feeling or what's on my mind with out fear of judgement or fear of hurting someones feelings.

The insecurities that I'm dealing with currently in my life right now though are ones that I never really thought I'd ever have to deal with. The thought of being left out, forgotten, alone. The urge to be strong and take my place, but being scared of how people will accept me and afraid I won't fit in. Life hasn't been easy as of late and it all comes down to how I'm dealing with these fears and insecurities. I have always been the person full of positivity and encouragement for people in my life. I like being the person that my friends come to when things go sideways and they need a pick me up, or a laugh, or just some words that help them get through the day. What's hard is when I feel like no one is there to pick me up, or to tell me what I need to hear to get through my day.

I feel so childish even now writing this post. I feel like I'm stupid for even feeling this way, for even letting the little things like this get to me. I feel like it's all unjustified.

I can only hope that the love and care that I put out into the world and into the relationships that I do have with people shows through to a place where they know that I mean it. I've been so insecure in my own life and in my own way that it's hard for me to know if my actions help or hinder a situation. I can only hope and pray that the people I love know that I have the best intentions at heart for them but sometimes I fall short and it's not easy for me when that does happen. Just as I know it's not easy for them either.

Later today (since it's almost 3am in the morning), I will be starting a book study by Beth Moore with a group of women from church. It's all about overcoming insecurity. I pray that my insecurities won't get in the way of my trying to learn something from this book and from these women. I pray that I can set aside the feelings of being judged, being too young, not fitting in, and not being accepted; and allow myself to truly soak in what this book can teach me about myself. I pray for a chance to truly let these feelings of being not good enough go.

The Challenge of Consecration without Isolation.

Chapter two in Love Like Jesus by Judah Smith revolves around Luke 5. It's all about the disciples washing their fishing nets. Part of the moral of this particular story is supposed to remind us that cleaning out nets means we use them to fish. We don't just clean them to keep them clean.

In this story, Jesus was preaching at a lake and because the crowd was moving in on him, he got out into a boat to preach from the water. He looked for Peter, who was washing his nets and got him to put his boat back into the water so He could continue to preach. When he was done, Jesus asked Peter to go fishing - after fishing all night and not catching anything, Peter let down his clean nets and caught tons of fish. He immediately declared himself a sinner and Jesus as Lord.

"...[J]ust as the purpose of clean nets is to catch fish, so too the purpose of our purity is to reach people."

We need to maintain purity. It's so easy to get comfortable with our nice, shiny, and clean nets and lose touch with the sea. Then Judah breaks it down like this: We get saved, God forgives us our sins, and washes us clean with His Word. We feel so clean and happy that we want to spend all our time with other followers and forget about the other sinners still waiting for their chance to be saved.

"It is easy to forget that we were pulled out of a pit so that we would help others out of the same desperate situation." 

Proverbs 18:1 says 'A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire.' We tend to isolate ourselves because that's where we are comfortable and it's hard and risky to leave that comfort zone and reach out. God sets up apart not so that we stay isolated, but so that we will have strong and healthy nets and resources to help pull other people from the depths of their sins.

My Prayer: Lord, please forgive me for isolating myself. I'm so thankful that you've saved me from my sins and from the depths of them. Please cleanse my life so that I may be a person worthy of reaching other people in Your name. Amen.

The end is finally near.

This is it.

I'm less than four weeks away.

The end is in sight and I'm having a hard time holding my composure.

I am ready to meet him, but not ready for the pain and suffering my body will endure.

I can't wait to look into my newborns eyes.

Worrying about missing time (events/plans) with friends and family is keeping me up at night.

Ryan is going to have a hard time adjusting to having a brother around.

Wesley is excited to be a Daddy again.

I am exhausted.

Life will go on without me... and the realization that I can't participate 100% just stinks.

Motherhood is a blessing and a calling. It's not meant for the weak of heart.

Pregnancy is a curse, but well worth it in the end.

I am thankful for good health insurance.

My Mom (Nana) is an amazing woman and I'm glad she wants to be around to help!

Friends have been super supportive and helpful during the last nine months.

Stretch marks suck.

I can already feel the baby blues creeping in... and I'm worried they will take over.

I won't miss getting up multiple times to pee or to get a snack/drink.

Cuddling Kyle is all I can dream about - and about what he might look like.

I'm ready.

Well, as much as I could ever be anyway. (:

Wordless Wednesday - GNO with Church

Opinion: Stay at Home Mom's

When I decided to stay at home with Ryan not long after I found out that I was pregnant, I wasn't sure exactly how I would feel once the time finally came for me to stay home. Adding that to my 'job resume' brought all kinds of unwelcome comments and remarks from people who barely knew me. They were hurtful, and they made me rethink my decision more than once. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I decided to do what I thought was best for my family, and that still rings true today.


Some of the remarks I've heard are:

• "Your house must be spotless with so much time to clean."
• No it's not. I do my best to keep it clean, to keep the dishes done, to do some laundry every day... but by no means is my house 'spotless'. I spend most of my time playing with my son and enjoying every moment I have with him at this amazing age where he learns so much every day. 

• "Don't you want to work?"
•  Sure. I'd love to get back into the real world and have a job, get some adult interaction and make some money. But that doesn't mean I am going to run out tomorrow and find one just because I want to. I've made sacrifices for my family and I intended to do everything I can to keep doing so. Not having a college degree, I'm sure that all the money I'd make in a part time job would go straight into childcare and that's just not worth it to me.

• "I'm to active to be a stay at home Mom like you."
• So, basically you think I sit around on my butt all day doing nothing? Great. Currently, I chase a toddler around all day, except for nap time. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I care for the dog, I grocery shop, I exercise, and many other things as well. Every day around here is different. 

• "It must be nice not to have to do anything all day." 

• REALLY? This one makes me the maddest. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who cares for us, works hard for us on a daily basis and doesn't come home and complain about something that just didn't get done. I focus more on my son, teaching him, and playing with him. Chores come last. Yes, I pride myself on keeping my house mostly clean, but that doesn't mean I ignore my son to do those things.  

I'll break it down for you. Being a stay at home Mom is the hardest thing I've ever made the decision to do.

I am on the clock 24/7.

I work very hard for very little pay. 

I'm challenged on a daily basis. 

The benefits vary from good to bad. 

There is no chance of promotion. 

My employee (my son) sometimes hates me. 

I don't get sick time, or vacation time for that matter. 

The majority of people in this world think that my job is easy and unimportant. 

The future of my family depends on me. 

If I fail, my company will fall apart and no one will be able to bail us out. 

I struggle on a daily basis on understanding how to be a good boss (Mom). 

My job is priceless. I couldn't put a price on it if I wanted to. I love being home with my baby.

Weekend Warriors (8/17-8/19)

This weekend was BABY FREE.

It was kind of nice not having Ryan around for two nights, but I missed him terribly! It had been a great week of family time (Wesley had three days off work last week). We loved having him at home! Friday was a work night for me... I took Ryan to my Mom's house for the weekend and then went to start a new cleaning gig. I worked for a couple of hours and then went home and crashed!

Saturday was pretty lazy! It was nice. I went that morning to pick up my nephew, Davy, from football practice at the Pike Co fields, and ended up sitting for an hour watching a scrimmage game. It was fun to see him out there, being all grown up! I'm so excited for his FIRST official game next Saturday. The afternoon was super lazy - took a nap, worked on my blog a little and then ended up at dinner with my Sister in law and family. After that, I went to my friend Marlena's apartment to watch The Hunger Games. Only the second time I've seen the movie and I loved it again, even though there was a lot of chatting during it. (: It was the perfect end to an okay day.

Sunday we had to get up early for church - Wesley had set up duty and I was keeping nursery. We always enjoy volunteering on Sundays. After church, we grabbed some pizza and headed to my Mom's house to eat lunch and get Ryan. We ended up hanging out for a few hours - both sisters were there and so was Lauren and Nathan. We played some cards and watched some funny you tube videos. If you haven't seen the one called "baby goat is a douche bag", then you need to go watch it. Actually, I'll post it here! (: Enjoy!

Weekend Warriors (8/3-8/5)

Well, I'm trying to get back into the swing of blogging on a more regular basis since I haven't been doing that in like months. It feels good to sit down and put what's on my mind onto the screen.

I started Weekend Warriors sometime last summer to update all of you on our weekends spent doing things around the house or around our town. I stopped after a while because blogging and being a Mom to an infant was too much for me. I was having to nap when he napped and that didn't leave a lot of time while he was awake to write anything. So, here I am.

I figured since a lot of kids went back to school this week, it was like a new beginning. So I decided to make it mine.

On friday, Ryan and I spent most of the day hanging out here at the house, cleaning, playing and doing laundry. I really get to enjoy him a lot more these days now that he's almost fifteen months old and he wants to help clean and bring me dirty clothes... but most of the time I just end up going around behind him cleaning up because he drags the laundry all over the house and laughs at me while he does it. It's kind of funny, but super frustrating. That evening after Daddy got home from work, we got dressed and prepared to head to the Moose Lodge (about 10 mins from the house) for a surprise graduation party for our friend at church.

Let me start that story with one that truly started last July when we started going to Lifesong church. In the past year, we've both gotten really involved, made lots of new friends and enjoy the company of them. Our friend graduated from the local police academy this week and his wife threw him a huge surprise party. So, we went, ate pizza, swam in the pool, ate some cake and then rushed home before he storm hit! That's right... it started to thunder on us, and luckily the bottom didn't drop out until we made it home.

Saturday was pretty lazy for the most part. I went to see my friend April that morning to take her an Avon order and to talk about my upcoming 31 party that she and I are hosting at my house. I made my wish list on what I want to get if I earn a certain amount of money, although I don't know what all on that list I will actually be able to get or purchase at a discount. That night, Ryan stayed home with Daddy so that I could go help my sister and parents paint at a salon in Lovejoy that my Dad has been renovating for some friends. (I always jump at the chance to make some extra money). It was a fun time of painting, small talk and then finished with some food and coffee at Waffle House.

Sunday was easy too - church was good although Ryan got knocked down by another child and had a huge knot on the back of his head most of the day. Wesley learned how to help with media during the service, I'm so glad that he's making friends and getting involved in our church. After church we went to lunch with our Pastor and his family and our lead singer/guitarist at O'Charleys. We had a good lunch - and then headed to my parents house after nap time for dinner and some quality time for Aunt Steph to spend with Ryan.

This week has been good so far - kind of busy. Ryan stayed at Mom's on Monday night so that I could attend a sweet friend's visitation for her Papa that passed away over the weekend. So Wes and I got Taco Bell for dinner and watched Warrior. (For anyone who cares, it was a fantastic movie about two brothers who fight MMA). The upcoming weekend looks less eventful, but we shall see.

These Speak The Truth!

Please feel free to comment!!

"Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury

A friend from church shared this poem with me and some other Mom's. What sweet words.

Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts,

First smiles and teeth and baby steps,a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away and leave to me your past

And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts…

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying, needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket, wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me, still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry me when you grew old.

Precious, simple moments and bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if I’d known they were your last?

Our last adventure to the park, your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten, those last few days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League, last colored picture made.

I never said good-bye to all your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that I comb your hair or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you and tuck you in at night.

The last time when we cuddle with a book, just me and you
The last time you jump in our bed and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson, last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school, last soccer goal you make.

I look ahead and dream of days that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss today’s sweet, precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes, your room is still a mess.

The last time that you need me for a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster, stealing precious days that pass,
I want to hold on longer-want to recognize your lasts…

The last time that you need my help with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.

I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time, I’d hold on to your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning, you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way.

One last hug, one last good-bye, one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand just how much you’ll be missed.

I’ll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed.
Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.

-Karen Kingsbury

Inspiration.

What kind of parent are you??

As I get further into this parenting thing - I learn from myself, trial and error, and from friends about how to parent. I also learn the same ways about how NOT to parent. I have my own style, mostly based from how my parents raised me. I'm going to use this post, mostly for my own benefit, to talk about the different kinds of parenting styles. Be sure to comment and let me know what you think or about what kind of parent you are! Also, you can read THIS POST for some age appropriate discipline techniques.

Psychologists have determined FOUR different categories for parents over the years. I am going to list some characteristics here and then I'll talk about the category I think that I fit into!

First of all, we have the AUTHORITARIAN parent. This parent sets super strict rules in the household and failure to follow them always results in punishment. Most of these parents fail to have any communication or explanation to the children about the reasons behind the rules. Their go to answer for questions about the rules would probably be "because I said so". These parents have high demands and rarely are responsive to their children. Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.

The second type is the AUTHORITATIVE parent. These parents still have the rules that are expected to be followed, but it's a much more democratic relationship. These parents are willing to listen to and answer questions that the kids may have. They are also more apt to nurture and and forgive than punish kids when rules aren't followed. They are assertive but not very intrusive. Authoritative parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful in life.

The third type is the PERMISSIVE parent. Mostly known as the indulgent parent - little rules and few demands on their kids. These are the parents that have little control and rarely discipline their kids. They have low expectations of maturity and self-control. They are very non-traditional and very lenient when it comes to the kids boundaries. Typically avoiding confrontation, taking the status of a friend and not a parent in the home. Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school, or have learning disabilities due to the lack of learning at home.

The fourth is the worst kind of parent in my opinion. The UNINVOLVED parent. While these parents fulfill the kids basic needs, they are usually detached from their child's life. In the most extreme cases, these are the parents that will reject or neglect the kids needs all together. Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across the board. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers in structured environments.

So, what kind of parent are you?

I'm an Authoritative parent. I can be relaxed on the rules now and then and allow my kid to have his freedom when it comes to some boundaries. But I do have rules and I expect them to be followed in the home and with how he's supposed to act in public. 

I expect my son to behave himself, especially in public. There is only so much I can do to punish him right now which means it's only communication and an occasional pop on his diapered booty. I'm not afraid to spank my son, but it's what I consider a last resort and mostly just to get his attention, not to hurt him or to inflict pain.

I pray that Ryan grows up happy and capable in life. I hope that my authority in the home helps him to deal with a structured life outside of the home. I hope that my efforts here and in his life allow him to grow up being able to follow rules and learn from me how to grow up to be the man that God wants him to be.

Life Updates - Looking Back on 2011

My life changed A LOT this past year, mostly for the good and some small things for the bad. Most of all, the good outweighs the bad. Here is my thoughts on 2011.

• I love Wesley, but I never thought I could love anyone else as much as I love him. Ryan now has a huge chuck of my heart and I don't know where I'd be right now with out him. 
• Adjusting from working full time to staying at home full time has been really hard for me. I'm more lonely now than I've ever been in my entire life. I don't see my family or friends as much as I'd like to. I spend all day with children under the age of three who just can't talk to me like a friend can. 
• We found a church that we both enjoy going to, that has proven already to be a good fit for us. I get so much out of attending on Sunday's and I can't wait for the new building to be ready so that I can get more involved. I'd love to be apart of the church in a more creative and constructive way. Helping with kids, planning events, singing, or something to serve my fellow followers of Christ. 
• I lost the only Grandfather that I have left. This was a huge event for my family seeing as how he was the core of us all for the most part. The holidays were really hard for all of us. I still have my times when I want to call and tell him about a book that I read. He's going to miss the 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' movie, and he was so looking forward to seeing it! He loved the book. 
• Friendships and have come and gone this year. I've seen the light when it comes to some of them and they just aren't worth the hurt anymore. Some new friendships have started and I hope they continue because I already love them all so much! (New years was a blast with some new friends, and I hope that time will only tell how much closer we can really become.) 
• Family has been a big part of this year - and babies!! My cousin is having twin girls and I can't wait to meet them.. and another cousin is pregnant as well! 2012 is going to be full of new birthdays for my friends and family. I've begun closer relationships with some family members and some of once again fallen to the wayside just because we don't talk. I don't mean any harm, but I'm just not going to try if they won't either. 

A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year, some of them very hard to deal with and some of them were good for me. It's been an emotional year, but I hope that more good things are to come in 2012. I look forward to the future with my little family and I can't wait to see what 2012 holds for us. 

The Power to Manipulate

In continuing my bible devotions on being a Positive Wife, this week's study is about Samson and Delilah. Delilah was in cahoots with the Philistines and she used her powers of manipulation to persuade Samson to reveal the secrets of his stregnth. Her deception led to the downfall of a great leader of Israel. As wives, we can influence our husbands in powerful ways. The question is, are we using our power in useful and good purposes or selfish ones?

Judges 16:15-17 (NIV)

 ¹⁵ Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” ¹⁶ With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.
 ¹⁷ So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.”

Delilah used tactics of pouting, nagging, and deception. Her motive was not Samson's best interest, but her own gain. As positives wives, we need to steer clear of negative forms of manipulation such as whining and dishonesty and use encouragement and kindness instead. Let's choose to pray and leave the greater work and results up to God.

 If you wish to enrich days, plant flowers; if you wish to enrich years, plant trees; 

if you wish to enrich Eternity, plant ideals in the lives of others.  - S. Truett Cathy (Founder of Chickfila)