So, I'm doing my best to trust this and to let myself heal and move on from all that I've been going through these past few months. I know it's not an overnight process but I can already see things changing for me and I know I can trust those around me to help keep my insecurities in check.
This chapter also uses a very pointed prayer that you are supposed to read and pray to God yourself and apply it to your life. It's beautifully written. I'm going to write my own version, in my own words, tonight because I feel like that's the best way for me to pray it and remember exactly what I've asked God to do in my life.
It's been very hard for me to write this down, let alone to share it now with my readers. But I've shared this journey so far and I don't want to stop now. Please know that I write this sincerely for myself and am sharing only for the purpose of maybe helping just one other person who might be going through the same thing as me.
Heavenly Father,
I come to you tonight a broken and insecure woman. In some parts of my life I'm very secure and set in my ways and other parts are a lot harder to hold my control over. You know what these insecurities have cost me, and what they have almost cost me. I'm tired of hurting and sulking in my own depressed feelings and I'm ready to move on and let go. I'm ready to learn what it means to be secure in You. You know the plans for my life and what motivates me, You also know what shuts me down. You know that I am driven by fear and how tired I am for surrendering to it. I'm so afraid that no one will love me for who I am and that my friends will move on and find someone else in their lives that means more to them. In the end I'm worried that my relationships and friendships won't matter to people in the grand scheme of life and that all this kindness I have in me just doesn't matter. I know I can't hide my true nature from you, Lord. Help me to come before you with transparency and the confidence to feel safe under Your cover of love. Please forgive me for my jealousy, pity for myself, lying to those close to me and hating myself at times. Please also forgive me for allowing things of this human life to become more important to me that my relationship with You. Lord, please help me learn how to cling to you when things change and help me understand the difference in a change of circumstance from a change in my security status. Thank you for placing people in my life to help remind me of what's really supposed to be important. I'm seeing the signs and I'm truly thankful for them. In particular I thank you for: Wesley, My boys, Kim C., Marlena, Laura, Kim H., My Parents, My in-laws. All of these people have some how in the last few months reminded me what's important and what I need to be focused on rather than the things of this world. Please help me become the kind of secure and sure of herself woman I'd want my boys to find and marry one day. Please help me get my dignity back.
In Jesus name, Amen.
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