Time to Heal

Chapter Nine of Beth Moore's book talks about healing. She says "It is God's will for you to have your dignity and security restored. You don't need to wrestle with this one. You don't need to read six more books. You don't need to ponder the subject matter until your next big disaster." (P. 162-163)

So, I'm doing my best to trust this and to let myself heal and move on from all that I've been going through these past few months. I know it's not an overnight process but I can already see things changing for me and I know I can trust those around me to help keep my insecurities in check.

This chapter also uses a very pointed prayer that you are supposed to read and pray to God yourself and apply it to your life. It's beautifully written. I'm going to write my own version, in my own words, tonight because I feel like that's the best way for me to pray it and remember exactly what I've asked God to do in my life.

It's been very hard for me to write this down, let alone to share it now with my readers. But I've shared this journey so far and I don't want to stop now. Please know that I write this sincerely for myself and am sharing only for the purpose of maybe helping just one other person who might be going through the same thing as me.

Heavenly Father, 

I come to you tonight a broken and insecure woman. In some parts of my life I'm very secure and set in my ways and other parts are a lot harder to hold my control over. You know what these insecurities have cost me, and what they have almost cost me. I'm tired of hurting and sulking in my own depressed feelings and I'm ready to move on and let go. I'm ready to learn what it means to be secure in You. You know the plans for my life and what motivates me, You also know what shuts me down. You know that I am driven by fear and how tired I am for surrendering to it. I'm so afraid that no one will love me for who I am and that my friends will move on and find someone else in their lives that means more to them. In the end I'm worried that my relationships and friendships won't matter to people in the grand scheme of life and that all this kindness I have in me just doesn't matter. I know I can't hide my true nature from you, Lord. Help me to come before you with transparency and the confidence to feel safe under Your cover of love. Please forgive me for my jealousy, pity for myself, lying to those close to me and hating myself at times. Please also forgive me for allowing things of this human life to become more important to me that my relationship with You. Lord, please help me learn how to cling to you when things change and help me understand the difference in a change of circumstance from a change in my security status. Thank you for placing people in my life to help remind me of what's really supposed to be important. I'm seeing the signs and I'm truly thankful for them. In particular I thank you for: Wesley, My boys, Kim C., Marlena, Laura, Kim H., My Parents, My in-laws. All of these people have some how in the last few months reminded me what's important and what I need to be focused on rather than the things of this world. Please help me become the kind of secure and sure of herself woman I'd want my boys to find and marry one day. Please help me get my dignity back. 

In Jesus name, Amen.

A Beautiful Prize Called Dignity

Doing this study on insecurity has helped me start to view myself in a new light - I'm worthy of feeling secure. I've not always felt that way.

In chapter eight we learn all about "triggers" of insecurity. These have been happening to me ALOT lately. Some triggers make one person rush straight into insecurity, and some make not affect others at all. Here are some examples that Beth Moore mentions:

• Your Mom gets that disapproving look on her face over how you parent your kids.
• You get a 3 line email response that took you a solid hour to write. 
• You met someone you really admire, and said something you consider to be stupid. 
• Your best friend of five years introduces you to a new friend from work - they laugh about people you don't know and talk over dinner like you aren't there.
• You have a new haircut, and hate it. 
• Your husband's on a business trip, and you can't reach him.
• You pour out your heart to someone and they just don't 'get it'.  

Those are only SOME of what might trigger insecurities in a person. There are many more for many people that I couldn't even begin to name. The thing with triggers though is that sometimes we take the bait, and sometimes we don't. The good thing is once we learn what triggers us, then we can start to deal with it head on and get back some dignity.

Healing something as innate as chronic insecurity takes a little time as God helps us to see where we're broken and why. We can start recognizing triggers and responding differently to them today, however. I did say today! The cycle begins to break when even though we may still feel insecure, we make a very deliberate choice not to act on that feeling. P. 148-149

I've begun to recognize mine, and the best way I've been able to deal with them is to talk to the person and be honest about how I feel and why I feel that way. My friends are starting to notice my "patterns" when I start to feel insecure!

Mine are:

1. I retreat. I withdraw myself from the group/person and get quiet. 
2. When texting/typing, I refuse to use puncuation. 
3. I get defensive. 
4. I cry. 
5. I expect people to read my mind, and figure out what's wrong so that I don't have to tell them.

 "By the time a pattern is well established, you not only feel insecure and foolish, you also feel like a failure." P. 150

So, after learning all of this about myself, I have decided that I no longer need to live life like this... in my own little insecure hole. I don't want to feel foolish anymore. I want to be the friend I know I can be and love others the way that I should no matter how they treat me.

I know Christ can set me free from absolutely anything and I'm trusting Him to do so here as well. I don't want to lost my dignity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Proverbs 31:25 NIV

I've finally reached a place where I feel that I can be completely transparent about my insecurities, hence this blog. This verse gives me the scriptural clothing to expose my true self, my most personal thoughts. Like Beth Moore says in the book, I'm trying to train myself to say "It's okay. I'm completely clothed" when I feel vulnerable and broken in my insecurities.

"We are not nearly as likely to react with the same level of insecurity when we remember how well covered we are by God." P. 155

Beth Moore also says that "to posses dignity is to be worthy of respect..worthy of high esteem." I am worthy of respect. I have a right to dignity because God gave it to me. That is something I now claim and remind myself on a daily basis.

Insecurity.

Quotes from Chapter Seven of the book, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore.

"I want us to see the price we're paying when we don't deal with our insecurities. Unchecked and unhealed, it makes an idiot out of us over and over."

"We gnaw on a relationship like a dog on a bone. We worry a detail half to death out of insecurity, get no response, and then over-communicate yet again to say 'Forget I communicated all of that'. And they rarely do." 

This is common in women friendships, and I know that it's always the place that I go to when I send a message/text/email to someone that I'm friends with. When I don't get a response soon after, I start to freak out and worry about if they are mad at me, or something of that nature.

"Jealousy of our friends and the fear that they'll like each other better than they like us is always a product of insecurity, and too often it's the sharp blade to a decent relationship."

 This is exactly how I felt once I realized that a relationship was forming between my two friends Laura and Marlena. I thought for sure I'd lose them both or that they would realize that I was no longer worth being friends with. Same when we added our new friend Kimberly to the group. I figured they would like her SO MUCH more than me and that I'd be out. I'm just glad it didn't take long for me to realize I was being ridiculous!

"Insecurity makes us settle. Insecurity makes us distracted. Insecurity robs our confidence in our rich inheritance from God. Insecurity makes us put our gifts on a shelf to gather demonic dust. Insecurity disturbs our sleep. Insecurity derails our life."

This is all so true and I'm so thankful that this study has helped me realize what my personal insecurities are within my friendships and it's helping give me the tools to deal with  them too! Thank you Beth Moore! (:

I am Not Alone.

If you ever think that the people in the Bible had it easy - think again. Some of these folks make even my life look easy.

Let's take the story of Sarai and Hagar in the Old Testament. Sarai and Abram tried for years to have a child of their own. When she found being infertile hard to face; she had the brilliant idea to have her maiden, Hagar, sleep with him as a surrogate. When the plan worked and Hagar became pregnant, things fell apart. Hagar hated Sarai, and Sarai abused (physically) Hagar, who then fled to the desert.

"We naturally despise people whose company we are forced to share if we feel largely threatened by them."  P. 48

 I've had many occasions in my life where I've felt insecure or jealous. I've also been able to trace those feelings back to something or someone that I've perceived as a threat. Personally, when I married Wesley I was not sexually active, and never had been. So for me - every girl that came before me was a threat. One in particular, Marlena (who is now one of my best friends). She had dated Wesley a long time ago (before his first marriage) and is still in his life, as a friend. So to me, at the beginning, she was sort of a major threat. I was jealous that she knew him back then and I felt insecure about their previous relationship in regards to my relationship with him at the time. I've since dealt with these issues and with time they have gone away. I am no longer jealous of her and we've actually become really fantastic best friends because I let it go and decided to give her a chance. One that without the grace of God I wouldn't have been able to give. 

"Jealousy is always the result of a perceived threat. And a threat always 

places a 911 call to insecurity." P. 48

The other person that I could kind of relate to was Saul. Ever heard of imposter syndrome? It's when everyone else may think you are competent and qualified, you know different. We assume that if other people knew us the way that we know ourselves, then they too would see that we just aren't good enough. Saul was tall, dark and handsome and chosen by God to be a king. But from his first public act (hiding among the baggage) to some of his worst moments (trying to kill David) he lived and breathed insecurity. 

Insecurity is driven by the fear of loss - of status, of people, of love. Saul feared losing his admiration and power and he had quickly decided that David would be the one to take them, so he focused it all on him. I personally fear losing my friends more than anything. I'm always afraid that I'll say the wrong thing or we will fight and they will walk away thinking that I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of losing my husband for the same reasons. But I know that I serve a higher power - my God is Sovereign and he can deliver me from these emotions. 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.   (1 Cor. 10:13)

Insecurity tempts us to wallow in our self-pity and our unhealthy emotions. It gives us that feeling that there is no way out and it takes us deeper into a pit of jealousy and self-loathing. God's word says there is a way out. 

God promises not to give us anything we can't personally handle, but when it's hard and when things are out of our control, He will give us what we need to get through it and survive. 

"Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God's strength is made weak." P. 57

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I am an Insecure Woman.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you.  

(1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT)

Jeremiah 17:7-8 gives us a definition of a secure person - grounded in Christ.  This is not yet who I am, but who I strive to be. I want to have that full and total trust in Him to secure me, I don't want to put my hope in an earthly future, but in Him and what His plans are for my life.

When I think of an insecure woman, I consider someone who's not one hundred percent happy with who they are as a person, spouse, mother or friend. She's probably holding on to a lot of thoughts that would hinder her relationships. She's uncertain about her feelings and desires being considered right or wrong in the eyes of others. Beth Moore says in the book that "An insecure woman is a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness." I completely agree. That's me.

My insecurities keep me from reaching out to people when I need help. I tend to feel like everyone else's problems are so much more important and complicated than my own, so I feel no need to burden them more. I prefer to 'suffer in silence'. I tend to set some very unrealistic expectations on other people. I expect people to 'read my mind' instead of just swallowing my pride and opening up about how I feel. It's something that I still do today and I'm working on it because I know that doing so has ruined relationships and friendships in the past.

In the book, Beth Moore talks about our 'false positives'. It's the ONE thing we think we can change to make everything else better. For me, it's my body. I've always felt that if I had a better body/weight that everything else would just fall into place. That's not necessarily the case. I have a wonderful husband who tells me more than once on a daily basis that I'm beautiful and sexy. Do I believe him? Yes, most of the time. Then when I don't, it's only because of memories from the past. From back in high school and before, of people telling me I wasn't pretty enough or popular enough. I've always allowed other people's opinions about me carry a lot of weight on what I do or how I look. It's time to change that and this journey is already teaching me so much about myself and how to do just that.

In my next post I'll talk about being in good company, sharing stories from the bible of insecure women AND men, as well as some more of my personal journey.

Here is some more scripture to ponder over;

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can 

do the good things he planned for us long ago.

(Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  

(2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT)

So Long Insecurity. You've Been a Bad Friend.

Insecurity is literally a lack of confidence in yourself. I've never really had very good self-esteem. Those insecurities started in high school for me. I've always considered myself not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. So when I landed a man that loves me despite how I feel about myself and tells me every day how beautiful I am, even when I can't feel it myself, I was completely taken by surprise. I thank God for every single day that I get to spend loving him. He is my rock and the ONLY person who has ever been able to do this for me. I trust him with my heart. 

I prefer to suffer in complete silence rather than talk about my problems with anyone. My husband is about the only person in this world who can literally look at me and tell what's wrong with me and how I'm feeling. He is the only person that knows how to draw it out of me and to make me talk about it. He's the only person I trust myself to be truly one hundred percent honest with and not feel like I'm being judged in some way.

I do have some really good friends on my side - but even they can't stop me from feeling like I don't belong sometimes, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I can't help but have those thoughts of 'I'm not good enough' or 'They don't want to spend time with me because...' pop into my head. It's hard to look at anyone in my life and tell them honestly what I'm feeling or what's on my mind with out fear of judgement or fear of hurting someones feelings.

The insecurities that I'm dealing with currently in my life right now though are ones that I never really thought I'd ever have to deal with. The thought of being left out, forgotten, alone. The urge to be strong and take my place, but being scared of how people will accept me and afraid I won't fit in. Life hasn't been easy as of late and it all comes down to how I'm dealing with these fears and insecurities. I have always been the person full of positivity and encouragement for people in my life. I like being the person that my friends come to when things go sideways and they need a pick me up, or a laugh, or just some words that help them get through the day. What's hard is when I feel like no one is there to pick me up, or to tell me what I need to hear to get through my day.

I feel so childish even now writing this post. I feel like I'm stupid for even feeling this way, for even letting the little things like this get to me. I feel like it's all unjustified.

I can only hope that the love and care that I put out into the world and into the relationships that I do have with people shows through to a place where they know that I mean it. I've been so insecure in my own life and in my own way that it's hard for me to know if my actions help or hinder a situation. I can only hope and pray that the people I love know that I have the best intentions at heart for them but sometimes I fall short and it's not easy for me when that does happen. Just as I know it's not easy for them either.

Later today (since it's almost 3am in the morning), I will be starting a book study by Beth Moore with a group of women from church. It's all about overcoming insecurity. I pray that my insecurities won't get in the way of my trying to learn something from this book and from these women. I pray that I can set aside the feelings of being judged, being too young, not fitting in, and not being accepted; and allow myself to truly soak in what this book can teach me about myself. I pray for a chance to truly let these feelings of being not good enough go.