Time to Heal

Chapter Nine of Beth Moore's book talks about healing. She says "It is God's will for you to have your dignity and security restored. You don't need to wrestle with this one. You don't need to read six more books. You don't need to ponder the subject matter until your next big disaster." (P. 162-163)

So, I'm doing my best to trust this and to let myself heal and move on from all that I've been going through these past few months. I know it's not an overnight process but I can already see things changing for me and I know I can trust those around me to help keep my insecurities in check.

This chapter also uses a very pointed prayer that you are supposed to read and pray to God yourself and apply it to your life. It's beautifully written. I'm going to write my own version, in my own words, tonight because I feel like that's the best way for me to pray it and remember exactly what I've asked God to do in my life.

It's been very hard for me to write this down, let alone to share it now with my readers. But I've shared this journey so far and I don't want to stop now. Please know that I write this sincerely for myself and am sharing only for the purpose of maybe helping just one other person who might be going through the same thing as me.

Heavenly Father, 

I come to you tonight a broken and insecure woman. In some parts of my life I'm very secure and set in my ways and other parts are a lot harder to hold my control over. You know what these insecurities have cost me, and what they have almost cost me. I'm tired of hurting and sulking in my own depressed feelings and I'm ready to move on and let go. I'm ready to learn what it means to be secure in You. You know the plans for my life and what motivates me, You also know what shuts me down. You know that I am driven by fear and how tired I am for surrendering to it. I'm so afraid that no one will love me for who I am and that my friends will move on and find someone else in their lives that means more to them. In the end I'm worried that my relationships and friendships won't matter to people in the grand scheme of life and that all this kindness I have in me just doesn't matter. I know I can't hide my true nature from you, Lord. Help me to come before you with transparency and the confidence to feel safe under Your cover of love. Please forgive me for my jealousy, pity for myself, lying to those close to me and hating myself at times. Please also forgive me for allowing things of this human life to become more important to me that my relationship with You. Lord, please help me learn how to cling to you when things change and help me understand the difference in a change of circumstance from a change in my security status. Thank you for placing people in my life to help remind me of what's really supposed to be important. I'm seeing the signs and I'm truly thankful for them. In particular I thank you for: Wesley, My boys, Kim C., Marlena, Laura, Kim H., My Parents, My in-laws. All of these people have some how in the last few months reminded me what's important and what I need to be focused on rather than the things of this world. Please help me become the kind of secure and sure of herself woman I'd want my boys to find and marry one day. Please help me get my dignity back. 

In Jesus name, Amen.

A Beautiful Prize Called Dignity

Doing this study on insecurity has helped me start to view myself in a new light - I'm worthy of feeling secure. I've not always felt that way.

In chapter eight we learn all about "triggers" of insecurity. These have been happening to me ALOT lately. Some triggers make one person rush straight into insecurity, and some make not affect others at all. Here are some examples that Beth Moore mentions:

• Your Mom gets that disapproving look on her face over how you parent your kids.
• You get a 3 line email response that took you a solid hour to write. 
• You met someone you really admire, and said something you consider to be stupid. 
• Your best friend of five years introduces you to a new friend from work - they laugh about people you don't know and talk over dinner like you aren't there.
• You have a new haircut, and hate it. 
• Your husband's on a business trip, and you can't reach him.
• You pour out your heart to someone and they just don't 'get it'.  

Those are only SOME of what might trigger insecurities in a person. There are many more for many people that I couldn't even begin to name. The thing with triggers though is that sometimes we take the bait, and sometimes we don't. The good thing is once we learn what triggers us, then we can start to deal with it head on and get back some dignity.

Healing something as innate as chronic insecurity takes a little time as God helps us to see where we're broken and why. We can start recognizing triggers and responding differently to them today, however. I did say today! The cycle begins to break when even though we may still feel insecure, we make a very deliberate choice not to act on that feeling. P. 148-149

I've begun to recognize mine, and the best way I've been able to deal with them is to talk to the person and be honest about how I feel and why I feel that way. My friends are starting to notice my "patterns" when I start to feel insecure!

Mine are:

1. I retreat. I withdraw myself from the group/person and get quiet. 
2. When texting/typing, I refuse to use puncuation. 
3. I get defensive. 
4. I cry. 
5. I expect people to read my mind, and figure out what's wrong so that I don't have to tell them.

 "By the time a pattern is well established, you not only feel insecure and foolish, you also feel like a failure." P. 150

So, after learning all of this about myself, I have decided that I no longer need to live life like this... in my own little insecure hole. I don't want to feel foolish anymore. I want to be the friend I know I can be and love others the way that I should no matter how they treat me.

I know Christ can set me free from absolutely anything and I'm trusting Him to do so here as well. I don't want to lost my dignity.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Proverbs 31:25 NIV

I've finally reached a place where I feel that I can be completely transparent about my insecurities, hence this blog. This verse gives me the scriptural clothing to expose my true self, my most personal thoughts. Like Beth Moore says in the book, I'm trying to train myself to say "It's okay. I'm completely clothed" when I feel vulnerable and broken in my insecurities.

"We are not nearly as likely to react with the same level of insecurity when we remember how well covered we are by God." P. 155

Beth Moore also says that "to posses dignity is to be worthy of respect..worthy of high esteem." I am worthy of respect. I have a right to dignity because God gave it to me. That is something I now claim and remind myself on a daily basis.

Book Review: When Calls the Heart

Title: When Calls the Heart (Canadian West #1)
Author: Jeanette Oke
Publisher: Bethany House, February 2055
Number of Pages: Paperback, 220 pages


Genre: Christian Fiction, Historical Romance, Inspirational, Western,
Cultural > Canada


Plot: Nothing in her cultured East Coast upbringing prepared Elizabeth for a teaching position on the Canadian frontier. Yet, despite the constant hardships, she loves the children in her care.

Determined to do the best job she can and fighting to survive the harsh land, Elizabeth is surprised to find her heart softening towards a certain member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. (Goodreads.com)

Personal Thoughts:

These types of historical stories are some of my favorites to read and Jeanette Oke writes them so well. I'd already read her Love Comes Softly series about people settling in the Old West, dealing with Indians, sickness, and how to find love when tragedy strikes. Oke does a great job in describing her characters and surroundings with out going over board. Her stories can be a little predictable, but most romance stories are. There are a few twists and turns along the way, but the main character ends up with who she's supposed to be with. I also love that these stories are clean - no sex and no cursing.

The added element of his being part of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police adds some extra mystery to the story. Elizabeth comes out west to settle in a small country area where she lives in a teacherage next door to the school where she's to teach the local children. In this particular area, the children had never had a chance to attend school, so her being there was a huge deal and she was welcomed with open arms.

Needless to say, this story ended the way I wanted it to and I am excited to pick up book #2 in the series and see what I think about it as well as the story of Elizabeth and Wynn continues.


Recommended Age Level: 14+

Rating: 4
Reviews/Awards:

Book Review: The Witness by Dee Henderson

Title: The Witness (Shield of Honor #1)
Author: Dee Henderson
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., January 2006
Number of Pages: Paperback, 378 pages


Genre: Christian Fiction, Drama, Crime, Mystery Thriller, Romance, Inspirational

Plot:

For eight years, Amanda Griffin has been on the run from Richard Wise. She holds the access to twenty million dollars of ill-gotten funds, and a list of his contacts that she's gradually turning over to the police. One mistake could snuff out her life. Her family already thinks she's dead.

Trouble arrives when her sisters receive a huge inheritance from the father they never knew. Afraid that Wise will take revenge on Marie and Tracey, Amanda moves back to town to keep an eye on them -- and let them know she's still alive, for now.

Police Chief Luke Granger met Amanda three years ago, and he hasn't forgotten her. One of his homicide detectives is dating Tracey; another is just getting to know Marie. Luke, Marsh, and Connor will do everything in their power to keep the three Griffin women safe. But it may not be enough.

Personal Thoughts: 




This book had it's high points and it's low points! It starts right off the bat when Luke meets Amanda three years previous to the major plot of the book. The connection between the two is obvious to begin with, and then when we see them three years later, the connection is still present. Luke cares about her and her sisters. Marsh and Connor do too... the middle of the book lacks a little and the plot moves along slowly. But it's all build up for the last third of the book when things start happening fast and ends with a BANG!



I personally loved this book. It was a christian fiction book - but the only references were prayers and personal conversations about beliefs. It was not a 'throw it in your face' kind of book. I liked that there were no sex scenes or curse words. I like good clean novels that tell a good story and have a little mystery to them. This book satisfied just about everything that I like about a good novel.

Recommended Age Level: 18+ 
Rating: 4.1

Reviews:

Dee Henderson departs from her usual pattern by focusing on three couples, making her protagonists older, and having the series more integrated; in fact, many of the story threads aren't finished in this book. But the book has her signature blend of mystery and suspense. The characters are fully drawn, but Henderson's point-of-view choices prevent readers from connecting as deeply as those in her previous novels. Amanda and Tracey are never the viewpoint characters, and I think the book suffers because of it, especially with Amanda. Hopefully future books will allow readers to get to know her better. In all, The Witness is an excellent choice for romantic suspense fans. -- Katie Hart, Christian Book Previews.com