My Cousin, My Parabatai

In the Shadowhunter world (created by author Cassandra Clare) there is a term for two people who are closer than brothers, parabatai. They fight together side by side and regardless of gender are true to their love for one another and would lay down their lives for each other. They must stand in front of the council and swear publicly an oath to each other. It's a true warrior bond. They share each others powers and they feel a strong supernatural bond between them. They also share parts of their strength with each other.

It's not very common for these pairings to occur in the Shadowhunter world, they only have 18 years to find and choose a parabatai. Once they reach the age of 18, they are no longer allowed to take part in this ritual. A ritual where you speak the oath and then they draw the parabatai rune onto each other.

This particular term, although from a work of fiction, actually means a great deal to me. More than most would even consider. You see, I have this person in my life who I consider my other half. She's the one that has literally been closer to me, than even my sisters sometimes, ever since the year we were both born. She knows all that there is to know about me and she is one of the only people who I can truly say that I have that deep connection with.

This person, she is my cousin. Yes, we are close, but it's way more than that for me; and lately I haven't done a very good job in showing it. In fact, I did and said some things recently that made her feel the complete opposite even though that was never my intention. I'm not sure how to get back what I'm missing from my relationship with her and I'm not sure how else to reach out and prove to her that she matters to me SO MUCH more than I've expressed lately.

You see, sharing blood with someone doesn't make you family.

Being there for them through the good and the bad, trusting them with your life, and allowing them the ability to know the 'real' you... that's family. That's connection. That's the real deal. That's parabatai. I would fight to the death for her or trade in my life for her and I'm not even sure she knows it sometimes. She means more to me than even words on this blog can express and I'm just not sure how to express that to her without flying all the way to Texas to do it. No one could ever measure up to what this girl is to me... and no on could ever replace her in my life or in my heart.

My insecurities have been at an all time high lately and mostly because I feel like my friendships, this one included, are rocky and falling apart because I'm not good enough or important enough for them to last. I know it's not true and I tell myself that every day. But today, I need my cousin to know that I'm not going to let anything get in the way of our friendship. I need her to know that she and "US" is important to me. I need her to know that I love her and that she's important to me. I need her to know that I would lay down my life for her. I need her to know that I care and that I want her in my life more than anything. I need her to know that the past few weeks have been hard on me and excuses aside, I'm trying to do better. I need her to know that communication is key and that that's what I need from her - more talking more often. I need her to know that she matters.

So here I am, writing down this OATH for her... and working on a plan for the future; something special to celebrate our relationship, even if it's not what she originally expected us to do together.