So Long Insecurity. You've Been a Bad Friend.

Insecurity is literally a lack of confidence in yourself. I've never really had very good self-esteem. Those insecurities started in high school for me. I've always considered myself not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. So when I landed a man that loves me despite how I feel about myself and tells me every day how beautiful I am, even when I can't feel it myself, I was completely taken by surprise. I thank God for every single day that I get to spend loving him. He is my rock and the ONLY person who has ever been able to do this for me. I trust him with my heart. 

I prefer to suffer in complete silence rather than talk about my problems with anyone. My husband is about the only person in this world who can literally look at me and tell what's wrong with me and how I'm feeling. He is the only person that knows how to draw it out of me and to make me talk about it. He's the only person I trust myself to be truly one hundred percent honest with and not feel like I'm being judged in some way.

I do have some really good friends on my side - but even they can't stop me from feeling like I don't belong sometimes, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I can't help but have those thoughts of 'I'm not good enough' or 'They don't want to spend time with me because...' pop into my head. It's hard to look at anyone in my life and tell them honestly what I'm feeling or what's on my mind with out fear of judgement or fear of hurting someones feelings.

The insecurities that I'm dealing with currently in my life right now though are ones that I never really thought I'd ever have to deal with. The thought of being left out, forgotten, alone. The urge to be strong and take my place, but being scared of how people will accept me and afraid I won't fit in. Life hasn't been easy as of late and it all comes down to how I'm dealing with these fears and insecurities. I have always been the person full of positivity and encouragement for people in my life. I like being the person that my friends come to when things go sideways and they need a pick me up, or a laugh, or just some words that help them get through the day. What's hard is when I feel like no one is there to pick me up, or to tell me what I need to hear to get through my day.

I feel so childish even now writing this post. I feel like I'm stupid for even feeling this way, for even letting the little things like this get to me. I feel like it's all unjustified.

I can only hope that the love and care that I put out into the world and into the relationships that I do have with people shows through to a place where they know that I mean it. I've been so insecure in my own life and in my own way that it's hard for me to know if my actions help or hinder a situation. I can only hope and pray that the people I love know that I have the best intentions at heart for them but sometimes I fall short and it's not easy for me when that does happen. Just as I know it's not easy for them either.

Later today (since it's almost 3am in the morning), I will be starting a book study by Beth Moore with a group of women from church. It's all about overcoming insecurity. I pray that my insecurities won't get in the way of my trying to learn something from this book and from these women. I pray that I can set aside the feelings of being judged, being too young, not fitting in, and not being accepted; and allow myself to truly soak in what this book can teach me about myself. I pray for a chance to truly let these feelings of being not good enough go.