MommyLand

Stumbled across this blog, CLEVER GIRL GOES BLOG... and I can relate to this recent post...

AUGUST 1, 2011
The shit that no one tells you: Volume 2.

I didn’t become an ACTUAL crazy person until 12 hours after GG was born.

All kidding aside, I know the exact time and date that I truly let my sanity slip through my fingers.

(Like sand through the hourglass…these are the Days of Our Lives.)

To better explain this, lemme backtrack a little.

Hubs and I took a couple of classes while I was pregnant: infant CPR and breastfeeding. We thought we were covered. Feeding and resuscitation. What else do you need? Done. Check and check.

(Yes, Hubs went with me to a breastfeeding class. No, no one whipped their boob out. But there was an 80′s-tastic video.)

Of course, as the birth got closer and closer, I thought maybe we weren’t prepared enough. So I asked the nurse practitioner at my OBGYN if she thought we should take the Baby Care class. ”Nah,” she said. ”Have you read any parenting books? All the stuff they cover in the class is pretty self-explanatory, and if you’ve done your reading you probably don’t need it. It’s kind of for younger parents.”

(Okay, first of all, I’m ONLY 30, for God’s sake. But thanks for not thinking I’m a teen mom. And that I have enough common sense not to leave my baby in the car or dangle her off a balcony or something.)

“However, you should probably take one of the childbirth classes.” Ahem. No.

I left the office feeling very superior and as though I CLEARLY already had all of the information I would need to not only physically care for this baby (don’t get me started on emotional/mental, that’s a story for another day), but breeze through it with flying colors. And in fact, I worried WAY less about caring for her POST-delivery than I did while she was still inside. She’s just a very small person, right? How hard could it be? Just get her out and I can do it! WE ALL HAVE THE SAME BASIC NEEDS.

This confident and serene feeling continued until 11:40 pm on the day GG was born. It continued until she started HACKING UP AMNIOTIC FLUID AND CHOKING ON IT.

Yes. That can happen. Did you know that? Because I did not.

Hubs and I had decided that he would not stay overnight with me in the hospital, depending on the time of day GG arrived. We reasoned that we had the pets at home to care for, plus Hubs would be better help to me if he got at least 5 or 6 hours of sleep in an actual bed. I knew I’d have the nurses coming in all night to check on us, and let’s face it, Hubs’ wildebeest-esque snoring is not exactly conducive to a restful and peaceful night for a tired mommy and a newborn.

So at about 11:30 that evening, almost 12 hours after GG was born, Hubs was preparing to go home for the night. The nurse was in our room checking on me and the baby when all of a sudden, from the bassinet, comes a choking sound. GG was coughing up amniotic fluid and since she was laying on her back, swaddled and cozy, she started to choke on it.

That’s when I lost my mind. Bye bye.

The nurse calmly strode over to her, picked her up, grabbed a little blue squeegee (hereafter known as the Squeegee of Life) out of the drawer, and sucked out some fluid from her mouth.

I don’t think I was producing actual words at that point, probably more like the sound your dog makes when you step on its paw combined with a rusty foghorn. It went something like this “EEEEEEEwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaEEEEEEEEEEnooooooooo!”

Hubs did a bit better. He said something like “WHAT THE FUCK?” Concise. To the point.

“Oh, she’s just coughing up some amniotic fluid,” the nurse said. ”It can happen up to 24 hours after their birth. No one told you that?”

UHM NO. NO ONE TOLD US THAT. I think I’d remember if someone said “Your baby might choke before she’s even eaten anything.”

It was at that point that I wished in vain for the carelessly dismissed Baby Care class. Should I have read more books? Did the teen moms know things that I did not? Was I a cocky fool for thinking I had this shit in the bag?

(The answer to all of those questions was yes.)

Needless to say, I kept the Squeegee of Life tightly clutched in my sweaty, nervous fist for the rest of the night because GG coughed up fluid TWICE more before she decided to finally stop scaring the crap out of her new parents. Hubs and I didn’t sleep a wink. Baby Care Class 1, Tia 0.

(And even after we got home the Squeegee of Life had a comfy home within arms reach, right on my bedside table.)

So, the moral of the story is this: even when you think you know, you don’t know.

Sub-moral: Babies be crazy, yo. It’s always applicable.