Insecurity.

Quotes from Chapter Seven of the book, So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore.

"I want us to see the price we're paying when we don't deal with our insecurities. Unchecked and unhealed, it makes an idiot out of us over and over."

"We gnaw on a relationship like a dog on a bone. We worry a detail half to death out of insecurity, get no response, and then over-communicate yet again to say 'Forget I communicated all of that'. And they rarely do." 

This is common in women friendships, and I know that it's always the place that I go to when I send a message/text/email to someone that I'm friends with. When I don't get a response soon after, I start to freak out and worry about if they are mad at me, or something of that nature.

"Jealousy of our friends and the fear that they'll like each other better than they like us is always a product of insecurity, and too often it's the sharp blade to a decent relationship."

 This is exactly how I felt once I realized that a relationship was forming between my two friends Laura and Marlena. I thought for sure I'd lose them both or that they would realize that I was no longer worth being friends with. Same when we added our new friend Kimberly to the group. I figured they would like her SO MUCH more than me and that I'd be out. I'm just glad it didn't take long for me to realize I was being ridiculous!

"Insecurity makes us settle. Insecurity makes us distracted. Insecurity robs our confidence in our rich inheritance from God. Insecurity makes us put our gifts on a shelf to gather demonic dust. Insecurity disturbs our sleep. Insecurity derails our life."

This is all so true and I'm so thankful that this study has helped me realize what my personal insecurities are within my friendships and it's helping give me the tools to deal with  them too! Thank you Beth Moore! (:

I am Not Alone.

If you ever think that the people in the Bible had it easy - think again. Some of these folks make even my life look easy.

Let's take the story of Sarai and Hagar in the Old Testament. Sarai and Abram tried for years to have a child of their own. When she found being infertile hard to face; she had the brilliant idea to have her maiden, Hagar, sleep with him as a surrogate. When the plan worked and Hagar became pregnant, things fell apart. Hagar hated Sarai, and Sarai abused (physically) Hagar, who then fled to the desert.

"We naturally despise people whose company we are forced to share if we feel largely threatened by them."  P. 48

 I've had many occasions in my life where I've felt insecure or jealous. I've also been able to trace those feelings back to something or someone that I've perceived as a threat. Personally, when I married Wesley I was not sexually active, and never had been. So for me - every girl that came before me was a threat. One in particular, Marlena (who is now one of my best friends). She had dated Wesley a long time ago (before his first marriage) and is still in his life, as a friend. So to me, at the beginning, she was sort of a major threat. I was jealous that she knew him back then and I felt insecure about their previous relationship in regards to my relationship with him at the time. I've since dealt with these issues and with time they have gone away. I am no longer jealous of her and we've actually become really fantastic best friends because I let it go and decided to give her a chance. One that without the grace of God I wouldn't have been able to give. 

"Jealousy is always the result of a perceived threat. And a threat always 

places a 911 call to insecurity." P. 48

The other person that I could kind of relate to was Saul. Ever heard of imposter syndrome? It's when everyone else may think you are competent and qualified, you know different. We assume that if other people knew us the way that we know ourselves, then they too would see that we just aren't good enough. Saul was tall, dark and handsome and chosen by God to be a king. But from his first public act (hiding among the baggage) to some of his worst moments (trying to kill David) he lived and breathed insecurity. 

Insecurity is driven by the fear of loss - of status, of people, of love. Saul feared losing his admiration and power and he had quickly decided that David would be the one to take them, so he focused it all on him. I personally fear losing my friends more than anything. I'm always afraid that I'll say the wrong thing or we will fight and they will walk away thinking that I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of losing my husband for the same reasons. But I know that I serve a higher power - my God is Sovereign and he can deliver me from these emotions. 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.   (1 Cor. 10:13)

Insecurity tempts us to wallow in our self-pity and our unhealthy emotions. It gives us that feeling that there is no way out and it takes us deeper into a pit of jealousy and self-loathing. God's word says there is a way out. 

God promises not to give us anything we can't personally handle, but when it's hard and when things are out of our control, He will give us what we need to get through it and survive. 

"Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God's strength is made weak." P. 57

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I am an Insecure Woman.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you.  

(1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT)

Jeremiah 17:7-8 gives us a definition of a secure person - grounded in Christ.  This is not yet who I am, but who I strive to be. I want to have that full and total trust in Him to secure me, I don't want to put my hope in an earthly future, but in Him and what His plans are for my life.

When I think of an insecure woman, I consider someone who's not one hundred percent happy with who they are as a person, spouse, mother or friend. She's probably holding on to a lot of thoughts that would hinder her relationships. She's uncertain about her feelings and desires being considered right or wrong in the eyes of others. Beth Moore says in the book that "An insecure woman is a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness." I completely agree. That's me.

My insecurities keep me from reaching out to people when I need help. I tend to feel like everyone else's problems are so much more important and complicated than my own, so I feel no need to burden them more. I prefer to 'suffer in silence'. I tend to set some very unrealistic expectations on other people. I expect people to 'read my mind' instead of just swallowing my pride and opening up about how I feel. It's something that I still do today and I'm working on it because I know that doing so has ruined relationships and friendships in the past.

In the book, Beth Moore talks about our 'false positives'. It's the ONE thing we think we can change to make everything else better. For me, it's my body. I've always felt that if I had a better body/weight that everything else would just fall into place. That's not necessarily the case. I have a wonderful husband who tells me more than once on a daily basis that I'm beautiful and sexy. Do I believe him? Yes, most of the time. Then when I don't, it's only because of memories from the past. From back in high school and before, of people telling me I wasn't pretty enough or popular enough. I've always allowed other people's opinions about me carry a lot of weight on what I do or how I look. It's time to change that and this journey is already teaching me so much about myself and how to do just that.

In my next post I'll talk about being in good company, sharing stories from the bible of insecure women AND men, as well as some more of my personal journey.

Here is some more scripture to ponder over;

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can 

do the good things he planned for us long ago.

(Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  

(2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT)

So Long Insecurity. You've Been a Bad Friend.

Insecurity is literally a lack of confidence in yourself. I've never really had very good self-esteem. Those insecurities started in high school for me. I've always considered myself not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. So when I landed a man that loves me despite how I feel about myself and tells me every day how beautiful I am, even when I can't feel it myself, I was completely taken by surprise. I thank God for every single day that I get to spend loving him. He is my rock and the ONLY person who has ever been able to do this for me. I trust him with my heart. 

I prefer to suffer in complete silence rather than talk about my problems with anyone. My husband is about the only person in this world who can literally look at me and tell what's wrong with me and how I'm feeling. He is the only person that knows how to draw it out of me and to make me talk about it. He's the only person I trust myself to be truly one hundred percent honest with and not feel like I'm being judged in some way.

I do have some really good friends on my side - but even they can't stop me from feeling like I don't belong sometimes, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I can't help but have those thoughts of 'I'm not good enough' or 'They don't want to spend time with me because...' pop into my head. It's hard to look at anyone in my life and tell them honestly what I'm feeling or what's on my mind with out fear of judgement or fear of hurting someones feelings.

The insecurities that I'm dealing with currently in my life right now though are ones that I never really thought I'd ever have to deal with. The thought of being left out, forgotten, alone. The urge to be strong and take my place, but being scared of how people will accept me and afraid I won't fit in. Life hasn't been easy as of late and it all comes down to how I'm dealing with these fears and insecurities. I have always been the person full of positivity and encouragement for people in my life. I like being the person that my friends come to when things go sideways and they need a pick me up, or a laugh, or just some words that help them get through the day. What's hard is when I feel like no one is there to pick me up, or to tell me what I need to hear to get through my day.

I feel so childish even now writing this post. I feel like I'm stupid for even feeling this way, for even letting the little things like this get to me. I feel like it's all unjustified.

I can only hope that the love and care that I put out into the world and into the relationships that I do have with people shows through to a place where they know that I mean it. I've been so insecure in my own life and in my own way that it's hard for me to know if my actions help or hinder a situation. I can only hope and pray that the people I love know that I have the best intentions at heart for them but sometimes I fall short and it's not easy for me when that does happen. Just as I know it's not easy for them either.

Later today (since it's almost 3am in the morning), I will be starting a book study by Beth Moore with a group of women from church. It's all about overcoming insecurity. I pray that my insecurities won't get in the way of my trying to learn something from this book and from these women. I pray that I can set aside the feelings of being judged, being too young, not fitting in, and not being accepted; and allow myself to truly soak in what this book can teach me about myself. I pray for a chance to truly let these feelings of being not good enough go.

The Challenge of Consecration without Isolation.

Chapter two in Love Like Jesus by Judah Smith revolves around Luke 5. It's all about the disciples washing their fishing nets. Part of the moral of this particular story is supposed to remind us that cleaning out nets means we use them to fish. We don't just clean them to keep them clean.

In this story, Jesus was preaching at a lake and because the crowd was moving in on him, he got out into a boat to preach from the water. He looked for Peter, who was washing his nets and got him to put his boat back into the water so He could continue to preach. When he was done, Jesus asked Peter to go fishing - after fishing all night and not catching anything, Peter let down his clean nets and caught tons of fish. He immediately declared himself a sinner and Jesus as Lord.

"...[J]ust as the purpose of clean nets is to catch fish, so too the purpose of our purity is to reach people."

We need to maintain purity. It's so easy to get comfortable with our nice, shiny, and clean nets and lose touch with the sea. Then Judah breaks it down like this: We get saved, God forgives us our sins, and washes us clean with His Word. We feel so clean and happy that we want to spend all our time with other followers and forget about the other sinners still waiting for their chance to be saved.

"It is easy to forget that we were pulled out of a pit so that we would help others out of the same desperate situation." 

Proverbs 18:1 says 'A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire.' We tend to isolate ourselves because that's where we are comfortable and it's hard and risky to leave that comfort zone and reach out. God sets up apart not so that we stay isolated, but so that we will have strong and healthy nets and resources to help pull other people from the depths of their sins.

My Prayer: Lord, please forgive me for isolating myself. I'm so thankful that you've saved me from my sins and from the depths of them. Please cleanse my life so that I may be a person worthy of reaching other people in Your name. Amen.

Challenge of Compassion for People.

I've started reading Love Like Jesus by Judah Smith recently. I've learned a lot already and I've only just completed the first chapter - "The Challenge of Compassion for People." Over the next few days or so I wanted to share my thoughts on these chapters here on my blog, instead of just writing them in a journal like I usually do.


The main verse in this chapter came from Luke 6. 

Luke 6:32-33 (NIV)

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.

 After reading this verse, I had to stop and really think about what it was telling me. Basically I understood it to mean that I should get no thanks or applause if I'm just loving the people that love me. I should be loving the people that don't love me as well. This was a very odd thought process, mostly because I already try to do this in my daily life. I try to treat other people with kindness and compassion even if I know they don't like or know me. 

This chapter also asks about our motives for wanting to reach people through Christ. I have to admit I'm not sure yet what my motive is except for them to see the goodness and love of Christ through me. 

Do we see past the sin and love the sinner? Do we truly value the person reguardless of whether they love us back? Will we continue to love them even if they never change? 
                                                                                                   -Judah Smith

In Mark 1, Jesus demonstrates true compassion to a man with leprosy. He touches him (which in that day was completely looked down upon) and cleanses him of the disease. Judah Smith relates the disease of leprosy with the disease of sin. Leprosy and the infections that it caused literally rotted away the flesh of a body to the the point of death.

Sin is a disease that slowly rots the life out of people to the point of death.                                                                   -Judah Smith

If you look up the definition of compassion, it says "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it". Judah Smith takes the time to explain that there are three ingredients to compassion: Stretched out, touched, and spoke/speak. 

To stretch out, or to be stretched out in regards to compassion means to reach out, to stretch beyond your personal comfort zone. That's exactly what Jesus did when he stretched out his hand to the man with leprosy. Sometimes to reach people with compassion, we have to go beyond what is convenient to us and what may be uncomfortable. 

To touch is to touch the lives of sinners. Sometimes to me that means that we listen, or are a friend to a stranger on a day when they need it. There are risks of people thinking that I'm weird, but if I can tell someone is having a bad day, I'm the kind of person to walk up and ask about it... and butt into your issues without asking permission first. Some people will call me weird for that, some will accept me for who I am and open up. 

To speak, Jesus loved the leper so much that he spoke to him. Sometimes that's all it takes, it's as easy as just having a conversation. We have to be willing to voice the love of Jesus and speak the word of God to people in our every day lives. 

My prayer: Lord, please give me the strength to stretch beyond my comfort zone. Give me a heart that is pure and compassionate. Teach me how to reach out to people who just need a friend. Show me the people that may need me most. Change my perspective.

The Power of a Positive Wife (9/14)

This morning I started a new devotional... and so far I think I'm going to enjoy it. The scripture this morning was from Genesis 2; talking about how the woman is of the man's flesh and bone. She is called woman because she was taken out of man. It talks about how this is why man leaves his mother and father and unites with his wife into one unit. This passage from the Bible only tells me one thing, that it's no good for man to be alone.

As wives, we are here to help our husbands, we are a gift from God to them. Words can encourage them, acts of kindness support them, and your personalities work together to create a perfect team. Without you, he is incomplete.

 

Normally, when two very imperfect people come together there is going to be struggles, as two lives are meshed into one you will see conflict and problems you never had before will start to arise. But this blending of two people creates the beauty of a marriage bond. You come together and complete each other. You are a team, designed by God, as one flesh.

So what does it really mean to be "united as one"? Are you struggling against being one flash or are you working towards it?

I know I'm working towards it... once I got married I started to change. It took some time to get used to the way that things are supposed to work in a marriage but things are finally moving to the right direction. I support him and he supports me. We talk about EVERYTHING no matter how big or how little of a decision it is. I really want him to know that I am here for him, no matter how hard life gets. We have some financial issues right now, just bills are getting paid and there is food on the table, but we don't have extra money to even go on a date now and then and sometimes that sucks. We don't get anytime just the two of us anymore, and sometimes that's all I want is a few hours to spend with him, not worrying about what we are spending, and about what bills are getting paid late this month.

"A single man has not nearly the value he would in the state of union. 

He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors."  

- Benjamin Franklin

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd ----- that's a Relationship!
I shall not want ----- that's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures ----that's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters -----that's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul ----- that's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness --that's Guidance!
For His name sake ----- that's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death--that's
Testing!
I will fear no evil ----- that's Protection!
For Thou art with me ----- that's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me -----that's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine
enemies------that's Hope!
Thou anointest my head with oil ----- that's Consecration!
My cup runneth over ----- that's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my
life----that's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord -----that's Security!
Forever ----- that's Eternity!